not scared
I'm not scared...
... of death, except.... Let me explain:
I've had two "near death experiences". In both cases I was in shock from massive blood loss, so maybe what I experienced was just hallucinations from de-oxygenation of the brain, but I don't worry about an explanation on that level. My stories suit me just fine.
The first time, I had the most awesome feelings of peace, warmth and contentment. I was floating underwater in a warm ocean, surrounded by soft blue-greens, gentle warmth lapping my body. The sun was shining brightly above (or below - directions were meaningless), warm glow hazy through the filtering water. Gentle jets of water pushed me in small pulses up towards the sun. I just kept floating, allowing myself to rise towards the warmth. I'm told that as I regained consciousness I pushed my oxygen mask off, and told hysterical on-lookers not to be so scared. I don't remember that. I just remember a sudden jerk back to a harshly bright, loud, smelly place with things stuck all over me.
The second time, the overwhelming feeling was curiosity. I was walking down a white hospital corridor, and obliterating all other considerations was the most intense desire to know what was at the far end. The light was *really* bright down there - I thought there was something moving around, but I couldn't make anything out clearly. My desire was to know what was there (and I was prepared to go there to find out), as distinct from a desire primarily to go there. I had a feeling that it would not be proper to run (or rather, to move quickly, as I have a sense of progression which doesn't necessarily involve moving legs as in walking or running). So I moved slowly and deliberately in that direction. After a time, I became aware of some disturbance behind me. I ignored it, but it grew. Eventually it became extremely annoying, and I turned to see what it was. That was when I came to. I *was* in a hospital corridor (green, not white), though that wasn't where I'd passed out. Another bloody oxygen mask... and a nurse, grey-faced, reading the names of my children from the hospital notes, reciting over and over "your children need you".
And the "except..." is exactly that. How do I get out of here without hurting the people I love? Not that I'm in any hurry to leave. I haven't finished yet. But it's going to happen one day - how can I make it hurt the least?